Why Conflict is Good

Conflict. On the one hand, we avoid it; on the other, we know it’s necessary. And the longer we avoid it the worse conditions become - dealing with it is definitely a “sooner is better” scenario. Conflict gets neither easier nor less painful the longer you wait. 

I’ve stayed too long in jobs that didn’t serve me, endured relationships way past their expiry date and let individuals and companies off the hook I should have held accountable. Confronting my fear of conflict in year one vs year five (or ten) could have opened professional, romantic or creative possibilities sooner and saved me years of suffering and dreaded anticipation of outcomes that only got worse because I waited. The more stuck and entrenched I became, the harder it was to extricate myself. A sticker glued to a dresser is easier to peel off on day one than day twenty. Like that.

I was a classic, conflict-averse “pleaser.” It’s an ongoing recovery, but I like to think I’m now mostly over it. I've come to a "conflict as opportunity" place in my life. A chance to be my radically authentic self.

There are many kinds of conflict for sure, but the kind I’m talking about is individual and introspective. It’s personal. It’s when we’re afraid to rock the proverbial boat by stating our mind. Or heart. It’s the conflict that arises when you’re done being taken advantage of; done with not being heard; done being unhappy.

Conflict is the beginning of consciousness – M. Esther Harding

What’s the deal? I mean, besides the fact that most of us have childhood experiences with conflict that are anything but healthy. You know, that place we learned that conflict is about pain and guilt; manipulation and judgment; that it's disresepctful and diminishing. That it's neccessarily explosive. I didn't know conflict could be expressed and resolved in a simple speaking voice until my 20's.

Conflict also means change. It’s revolution in disguise. And yes, (complicated humans) even as we long for something different, we inherently fear change at the same time.

To mollify our anxiety we rationalize. We "make do" and give conflict a wide berth. What we’re really avoiding in those moments though is speaking our truth. What inspires conflict in the first place is life outside not meeting what we know to be true within. We're rubbed the wrong way. Against our spirit’s grain, everything stands up.

Which is why embracing conflict, getting comfortable with it, is foundational for spiritual and emotional health and basic happiness. When conflict is managed with respect for ourselves and others, the whole world gets better: When we speak our truth we stand in our power, lifting everyone around us to a higher standard of fearlessness and authenticity.

Make no mistake, I’m not pro pick-a-fight/put-your-dukes-up. I’m no fan of the relentless contrarian, that instigator who argues as an egoistic power play to prove superior intelligence, ability or brute strength. I am, however, pro intentional, fully lived and authentic life, and that can only happen when we get comfortable with conflict.

Which we can, by the way. It’s a muscle like any other and with practice, it gets easier. The fear of being a disappointment or being disliked takes a back seat to the desire – the need, really - to stand your ground and say (and live) what’s true. Once there, the fear of impending conflict becomes more speed bump; less mountain.

If you want an authentic life, inevitably there will be points you'll be called on to either defend or create it, and conflict will be part of the conversation.

Which is hard, because as much as we avoid it externally, we do so internally too - we can’t even have an honest fight with ourselves! We make excuses, justify and make do with what is. We tell ourselves “there are worse jobs; he’s a good provider; I can work with this, it's better than nothing.” We say ridiculous things like “better the devil I know,” with no recognition that calling it THE DEVIL should be a stand-alone call to arms.

You can’t get different results without effort, pain or discomfort, either your own or others. Change - growth - doesn’t happen in a cloud of dandelion fluff. Sadly. Growth is 5-year old’s crying in the night for stretching bones; pods exploding for escaping tender shoots; the butterfly chewing its way out.

The post-conflict phase when the wound of change is fresh is also a source of anxiety. It's the period when feelings are hurt; when we’re judged; when our choices are challenged and questioned by family, friends and co-workers. The adjustment to a new world order is… awkward. In the life cycle of conflict, you might say it’s being fourteen.

Like being fourteen though, the discomfort and awkwardness passes and life gets exponentially better. Conflict is not only natural (research shows that playing kids experience about one conflict every three minutes, which pretty much holds to my experience) but if you want a life that's authentic, it’s also - like being fourteen - unavoidable.

What I know is that those most afraid of death are the ones who never fully opened to their bona fide selves and never pursued their dreams. They never rocked the boat. They settled. They made nice, incessantly. They were afraid of dissention and in so doing, missed the opportunity to create their best lives. Conflict as opportunity, I'm just sayin.'