A Different Kind of High Road

I’ve been dealing for years with a person in my life who’s kind of awful. Not incessantly, but intermittently so - which is worse, frankly, because I can’t always see it coming. The attacks are personal: disrespectful at best and abusive at worst. They come in the form of unsolicited opinion, advice and intimidation both implied and direct. And I’ve felt secure in the right-mindedness of having taken the proverbial high road in response to all that. I’ve not “stooped to their level” nor “given them some of his own medicine.” I’ve barely responded at all, in fact.

And do you know what? Not a goddamned thing has changed. In YEARS.

Morally superior? Perhaps. Righteously insane? For sure.

So I’m trying something else, because quietly ignoring the behaviour hasn’t helped. No, I’m not scrambling off the High Road and getting my vengeful Kill Bill on; I’m redefining the terms. I think we’ve all gotten what it means to be on the High Road wrong in the first place.

The Urban Dictionary says, “Taking the high road means doing the right thing even if its not popular or easy; the high road refers to a higher moral ground…those who take the high road are demonstrating being honest, fair and selfless.”

Which raises a couple of issues for me: (1) What IS the right thing to do and (2) Demonstrating selflessness in the face of someone doing you harm is… masochistic? Stupid? Pick one.

In my own case, I’ve been on the high road for so long that the rarified, righteous air was beginning to suffocate my more fundamental senses - like knowing the difference between the right-thing-to-do from the not-so-much. In letting my fear of conflict and desire to be the reasonable, considered and kind one motivate me, I forgot that the right thing to do every time is speak my truth, draw a clear boundary and in the face of potential confrontation be completely self-possessed (or self-full vs. self-less) .

In practice, taking the High Road in this culture is an exercise in meekness. Don’t talk back. Don’t react. Keep your chin up. We take the High Road as a publicly endorsed and justified way to not only avoid conflict but feel (and look) morally superior - all while taking a metaphoric punch in the face on the regular.

In this context it might be more aptly named the Fear of Conflict Road or the Don’t Engage and Hope for the Best Road. I’d say most of us choose the High Road because it’s easy: our only job is to resist actually doing anything.

Which is to say, the High Road is about being PASSIVE. We can hide in plain sight of our abuser, protected by our moral authority and the apparent nobility of doing nothing in return.

There’s a phrase I love, given to me by a friend: “Ignore to Extinguish.” The idea is that by not responding to bad behaviour (in children, coworkers, partners, etc.), you starve the motivation to behave badly in the first place. Because the behaviour isn’t gaining traction or garnering “returns,” with time, it simply stops. Not responding is a form of Taking the High Road. They’ve gone low, so you go high, until you’re all on the same road again, happily ever after, the end.

And it works! In 80% of cases when you ignore the behaviour, you extinguish it.

Except… What if the bad behaviour is relentless? What if that child or person is one of the 20% for whom ignoring is meaningless? What if you haven’t responded for months or even years and all that badness persists?

Among other things, it gets in the way of you liking yourself, I’ll tell you that. So, what to do? Yes, you are way ahead of me and exactly right: YOU TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

The meek may inherit the earth, but not before they’ve been trampled on by the bold and courageous among us. You know, those prepared to stop the insanity and TAKE ACTION.

To be sure, by taking action, I don’t mean dignifying bad behaviour with bad behaviour of your own. We’re not in eye-for-an-eye territory here even a little bit. We’re in the daring realm of justice and self respect and self-love.

I can hear you old-school High-Roaders now, raising your unconvinced eyebrows: “But no one ever regrets being kind.” This is fact. Being afraid of what might come next and standing in your tremulous power anyway; speaking the truth in spite of potentially awkward outcomes; setting clear boundaries with clear consequences for having them crossed – this is the very definition of kindness. To yourself.

I like to check in regularly to ensure I’m not motivated by spite at any point, but that all choices are coming from a place of self care and ultimate kindness. I expect to be challenged as lawyers, police and the court system are now in play and on the surface of things it could look like straight-up retribution. It’s not. After having years to modify their conduct without change, it’s what setting boundaries looks like at this point.

No more sitting stoic in the wings. The all-new High Road for me is about action and what can feel like constant acts of courage.

If we accept the notion that the High Road is doing what’s right and not necessarily what’s easy, being a benevolent hero in the service of yourself is pretty much it: Daring to love yourself as much as you do others; being bold in defending what’s just and right; not letting bullies and bad behaviour win.

Each of us moves endlessly from ground level to cocoon to flight and back again, our lives a perpetual cycle of self-creation. This is encouraging, as it means we always have the chance to choose again, to do something different, to try on a new version of ourselves. Be afraid and do the hard thing anyway, check in to ensure you’re coming from the place of highest good and kick some bad-behaviour butt. That’s true High Road action, right there.